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The Chaos Mini-Series

Welcome to my chaotic life of FIVE small children and a traveling husband! This blog is actually a "work in progress" and serves as a loose outline for a humorous non-fiction book I strive to publish by the end of this calendar year. Each entry builds upon the one just prior to it so it is best to begin with Part I. This story begins just four short years ago when a tsunami of unfortunate, tragic and hectic events brutally pounded us one right after another. As my family and I endured and eventually overcame each wave of misfortune, we kept our heads (barely) above water and held high, eyes wide open and hearts on "stand by" as we witnessed new opportunities and blessings emerge from the CHAOS...

Monday, March 29, 2010

My Client´s Exercise Routine was Interrupted...Part XVII

Most of the people that knew of me and my series of misfortunes were very supportive and upon seeing my uncommon reaction to such turmoil, just chalked it up to being a "crazy gringa," (American chick.) That was okay by me; I earned my reputation and was always pleased to be classified as a “non-conformist” anyway, even when it came to dealing with pandemonium.

One morning I was in my gym about to begin a training session with my most delicate client and to get through an hour with her, I had to be 150% focused on doing everything to prevent her from experiencing the most minimal physical discomfort. If I were to fail to make it completely painless, at the first opportunity, she would have an excuse to forfeit the entire exercise session. In order to motivate her as well as distract her throughout the hour, I had to perform carnival tricks like a magician and carry on nonstop conversation. So with this in mind, it makes sense that I did not realize what was happening at that very moment to my body.

I felt something “down below” and immediately thought, “Oh great, perfect time for my monthly visitor to come. Maybe if I sit down for a minute it will go away and come back after I finish with this client.” But no, that was not what destiny had in store for me. Nature was not only calling, but pounding on the door like an angry landlord ready to evict his tenants.

“Excuse me just a moment; I have to use the restroom. Be back in a sec.” I told her as I left her mid-set of bicep curls. I hadn’t given her any further instruction because I knew I would return immediately. I tried to rush as she was extremely dependent upon on my coaching and guidance. So here I was in my bathroom and within seconds I was hemorrhaging and thinking, “I better get this under control quickly before she finishes with both arms and gets back on her cell phone.” If I weren’t policing her, she would sneakily do anything to avoid exercise.

Well, I couldn’t quite manage the situation so easily so I proceeded to jump into the shower and suddenly I found myself ankle-deep and it was “flowing like the Nile.” At this point I started to get a little flustered and my very first thought was, “Oh no, I left her all alone, I hope she doesn’t injure herself, how do I tell her to stop?” My second thought was, “Of course, she will stop. She’ll probably just sit down and start making phone calls to chat with all her friends. Oh no, then her heart rate will go way down, she´ll lose her groove and then…” My third thought was, “So, what is going on; my intestines or some other internal organ is disintegrating and pouring out of me.”

Luckily, I caught my husband just in time as he was heading out the bedroom door on his way to work. “Mi Amor, could you please come here for a second and see this,” I asked him in a slightly nervous yet non-alarming tone. When he arrived to see me standing there, he started to lose his composure. We put our heads together and became total idiots and were not able to figure out how to turn off the shower faucet- essentially this would have been the first step in moving toward a solution to this problem. Once we reckoned how to do it, what seemed like minutes later, I finally pulled my largest maternity pants over my wobbly legs which by now were wrapped in the equivalent of 25 Depends, (Adult Diapers) and we headed toward the front door.

Casually and with a half grin, I waved to my client and excused myself. “I am so sorry but I gotta go, I am hemorrhaging and am going to the ER but will be back in a “few.” I tried to blow it off and apologized for not being able to finish our appointment- I hated not sticking to the schedule, what an annoying disruption! I continued to shout out orders as my husband and gardener carried me like a sack of potatoes into the car. They settled me down into a total reclining position. “Just stick around, finish the set, do another 15 repetitions of shoulder presses and then walk for 20 minutes on the treadmill at 3.5 mph. Don’t let this little ordeal interrupt your routine,” I insisted.

She looked at me as if I had two heads and was legally psychotic. Then she began firing the questions- “What is happening to you? Who should I call? What should I say? What can I do for you and the children? Do you need me to go with you? Oh my God, what is it now?” And then she said, “You little devil, you must be pregnant again!”

I had no idea. I was on the birth control pill so I certainly was not pregnant. I had recently been admitted to the hospital on our recent travels to Mexico City for parasites; maybe the critters were reproducing. It did seem unusually “heavy” for a menstruation, so what could it be? Whatever it was, I had already been trained to stay calm...

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